Defeating Defeatism (or how game theory helps me understand myself)

Some years ago, my older stepson made the decision to pursue an advanced degree and eventually a livelihood in what used to be called Computer Science.  I’m certain my livelihood at the time as a mainframe programmer helped shape that decision of his.  Somehow, beyond my parental naggings and lectures, he was able to see the gleam in my eye of working on complex problems that needed to be broken down into thousands of individual lines of code.

After a few false starts, he was successful not only in obtaining an undergraduate degree from William and Mary, but eventually a Master’s and then a PhD from the University of Michigan.  And to his credit, he pretty much did the whole thing on his own dime after his parents and stepparents helped him obtain some initial financing.

On July 25, 2014, my husband and I were fortunate to be among the selected few audience members at his dissertation presentation in Ann Arbor, Michigan. I could never – not at that time, and certainly not nearly three years later – pass a quiz on the contents thereof.  Some of it gave me a tiny glimpse; the rest whooshed over my head.

Since I was there primarily as a silent observer to this gathering of stepson’s faculty, advisers, and peers, I didn’t need to understand.  I just needed to observe, admire, and be proud without making a lot of audible reactions.

His dissertation related to what is called game theory.  Apparently, there’s an entire discipline of computer work around that in these modern times.  

A really good computer game design will include algorithms not only to keep the game functioning properly, but also to predict the strategy and future moves of the human player.  It’s kind of like old-fashioned chess in that respect – something at which I never excelled while my husband and both his sons did.  They’re all observably smarter than I in the areas of offensive and defensive strategies.

My natural tendency – possibly hard-wired from birth, possibly reinforced by my life’s failures – is to get defeated.  I give up or give in, because it often seems easier to submit to those human bulldozers than to fight what seems inevitable.

Fast forward to early 2017 where I have lost a full-time job with full benefits.  

The first part of my unintentional sabbatical (collecting unemployment) was consumed with care-taking for my husband, who opted to have his right knee replaced in early February.  His Medicare actually covered the lion’s share of the costs, but his subsequent physical ordeal continues to varying degrees four-plus months later.

As a way of breaking the boredom and pain cycle for our household, he introduced me to a new game online. It’s what is called a puzzle game, and in this case, you match tiles to complete various tasks. This game is highly addictive for both him and me for a variety of psychological reasons, some of which I can identify.  Either way, it’s just fun.

When my brain locks up over various stresses (for example, but not limited to: finances, health of family and pets, my future career) I sometimes zone out to the repetitious shapes, colors, and infectious theme tune of this game on Facebook.

When I’m really tired, my creative brain is often wide open, and interesting patterns occur to me while playing the game.  Sometimes I compare my own patterns and preferences to the “game” of job hunting, and then amazing truths are revealed.

Although I tend towards annoyance when my dear husband refers to job hunting as “a numbers game” where one should throw resumes at every possible job to see what sticks, I have to agree with parts of his own former employment strategy.

However, I’ve refined it for me personally, knowing what I know about computer logic, as the following:

Job Hunting is an iterative strategy which optimally uses some form of agile methodology.

For my friends who are not, and never were, Information Technology Professionals post-2000, let me clarify with some bullet points.

• The “software development” of my career is not finished when a job is obtained.
• The process of courting potential employers must be repeated again and again. (This is also known, for those of us who would rather hide in a closet with smooth jazz music, as “developing and refining social skills”.)
• At each checkpoint, it’s important to review and refine one’s strategy. (A checkpoint might be a rejection letter, an interviewer’s facial expression, or any structured feedback from anyone involved, including my own recollection.)

This is how I am working to determine what works.  It’s a lot like learning the strategy and sub-strategy for each level of a puzzle game.  And it repels my defeatist side.